Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Submitting Slowly

Today I had a heated discussion with Allan who felt like I was not trying very hard to submit. "But I am" I said. Actually, I said that then got very quiet as I plowed through fields of memories for the past few days thinking of how I felt like I was submitting but he didn't see it.

I KNOW I am a control freak. I get it! But just because it is taking me longer than some doesn't mean I don't want it. He wasn't mad. He just said that I was giving him mixed signals because on one hand I said I wanted this, but on the other hand I still take the reigns so tightly.

He went on to tell me that he does love the take charge side of me, but it doesn't mirror what I told him I wanted.

Am I destined to fail at this? I want to be a submissive wife, really I do. Really.



  1. Renee don't be so hard on yourself. Barney ( my husband) and I had a time where we both felt the other wasn't consistently doing their part, in our minds. What we did was sit down individually and write down all of the things we thought we were doing. It can be as simple as it not being projected outwardly. For many submissives the struggles are internal far before they can be seen to others. Sit down and not only think about how you have submitted in the most recent past, but write down how challenging it has been for you. In addition write what was going through your mind when you didn't submit. Ask Alan to give you some examples of how you didn't submit if you need to. The key here is not to be hurt or defensive, but for you both to have a better understanding of each other and hopefully yourselves.

    You know what I am about to say might sound controversial to some, but I do believe for many couples the handing over of 100% control all at once is not realistic. After a woman has a baby we often say, it took your body 9 months to change don't expect it to change back overnight. Giving up control over things you have clung to for so long isn't easy.

    Another little known 'secret', because it isn't often written about, 'others' don't just fall in line as soon as they ask to become a submissive. Another analogy, ( you'll learn I'm full of them), just because you desire to run a marathon doesn't mean the very next day you aren't going to pass out after running around the block! It takes time to build yourself up to that. The key is to keep trying and not get discourage. You will make it, but I am here to tell you it takes a LONG time and even several years in, I make so many mistakes. But guess what? for 16 years before ttwd I was in control....neither one of us can expect that habit and security to disappear overnight!

    Good luck

  2. Willie,

    Thanks for the advice and the analogies too :) It has been hard for me to let go. There are so many reasons that I evolved into the controlling personality I became. But that is another story for another day. I agree that handing over 100% would be too much for me. There are far too many things I am responsible for to be completely dependent on Allan for guidance on every subject although I do touch base with him on just about everything. Truthfully, he doesn't have enough hours in the day to weigh in on every decision. But, even in this place and dynamic that works for us I really do long to be a submissive wife. My heart is shouting for it even when my brain (but mostly my mouth) pulls in a different direction.

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