Tuesday, March 29, 2016

I was missing in action

Hi All,

I've been out for a while. Behind the computer screen I have this very big and full life that pulls me in all directions like the old Stretch Armstrong doll from the 80's. And that's exactly how I feel now....stretched and stretched and about to come apart at my seams.

I'm not happy. I was happy....DD makes me happy but it is on hold now. There were some major life events that took it's toll on me and I had to put that on the shelf. It wasn't just because I was busy with kids or a job, I am just unable to put myself in a place psychologically right now that is needed to be submissive.

I am trying my best just to keep it all together until these "events" have passed. One day I would like for all these problems to be behind me and just have my regular life worries to juggle again. On that day I welcome DD back. I miss it so much! The sad thing is that I probably need it more now ever :(


1 comment:

  1. I've lived this too many times to count. You know, sometimes when things are at their worst Dd is exactly what you need. Why? Because it is the constant. It is the thing that grounds you and brings YOU back.

    I know, however, when you are newer to ttwd, the emotions are so very difficult to take. It feels like you have no shield to deal with the outside world. Ironically, it will eventually be the reverse. Granted you do 'feel' more with Dd, BUT that is how life is supposed to be. It does 'suck' at times, that pain, but it isn't getting stuffed down adding to another brick in your wall.

    I have had times, much like I am right now, where I have to be Super Optimistic Girl. I have to be a beacon of light for one who can't be for himself right now. Literally at times it feels like my life is being sucked out of me in order for him to breathe. My husband finds it difficult at times to continue with Dd when he sees me as the shell I can become. However, the attention, the refocusing on me and my core, does put air back into my lungs. It reminds me that I am more than just this Super Optimistic Girl. It reminds me that I have another purpose in life, other than helping everyone else. It shows he is there for me, and for us.

    I know that right now this probably isn't possible for you. It isn't even easy for a couple who have been doing this for over 3 years. Our instincts, when we are stretched in all directions, is to bring ourselves back in a bit so we don't snap. We get so used to being pulled, we can't lean on others because we may break.

    I was hoping after a year of tremendous stresses that our lives would get back to 'normal', the thing is maybe THIS is our new normal. Our Dd has to adapt to our lives, not the other way around.

    Perhaps you could ask your husband for at least a 'reset'? It might do you a world of good. It might just knock off the tip of the ice burg. It might very well be the most confusing thing for you as well. However, what do you have to lose? I promise you, you won't break. You may break down, but that could just be the weight of the world being lifted off of you. If only for a moment.

    I feel for you Renee. Truly I do. Life can be so cruel and so very tiring at times. Good luck